Well it’s been a while since my last blog & wow good & bad times, I am learning a lot about what happens to a person when completely alone I guess I go one of two ways, become totally cut off from reality & socially inept or all wusy & self examining oh make that three I also can go mad! Hmm maybe more haha!
I have been without world communication for 5 days. My kittens have taken a liking to chewing the netbook charger, I think they like the little electric shocks they get, & it finally gave up when it was attacked while I was sleeping. I didn’t realise what happened till the battery went flat L at the same time my mum had been trying to ring me for two weeks but I thought it was just the Bulgarian connection thing till I tried to ring her & couldn’t get a dialling tone, this on the same day :( not a good day!!!! All I was left with was my mobile which is obviously a very expensive way to keep in touch even when just texting!!!
My goodness this has been a harrowing week of emotional tumult! its much more than missing my husband cause he's not there, I love him & to not be able to just chat rubbish or pride in what I have acheived or actually as the day goes on I keep thinking oh I must tell Nigel about this then I realise I can't, its more than that, it's..... you know I can't even put it into words. For some reason this whole episode has raised rejection issues I thought were long ago sorted out & banished but I now think I will always have these in the background & will have times in my life where another little bit will be chipped away but its a bummer having it cropping up still when I'm 51 for goodness sake LOL
All I can say is I know who my friends here are & thank God for that as I am too old & have been through too much to have anyone in my life who doesn't want the best for me & for me to be happy.
So what follows is my rant for this blog, you know I have to just to clear my head :D.......
Skip down if your bored by my moaning....
I have managed to garner a great tan, been to the brink of a breakdown & find myself funny, which take it from me I’m not! Personally I think I am far too serious but then if the world was full of funny people, or people who think they are funny, we would be in a worse state than we are, or so I tell myself, lol. I would like to be less serious but for me it has come with age & having to fight my whole life for my right to be me! To be different from you, & trying to be accepted as the many faceted person I am the good the bad & the ugly, the mental the hormonal & the sweet, the unconventional the conventional & the laid back, the obnoxious the over sensitive & the opinionated, the weird the ethnic & the bohemian! Not your cup of tea fine just don’t put me down!!!! Who the hell made you God, he made me they way I am & I am grateful he gave me Nigel who totally gets me!!! What part of the human make up propels people to want to make people like me, emotional & caring aware of my inner feelings, feel weak, I am strong because I feel everything, every emotion there is which by rights makes me a more rounded person than those who are only strong cause they don’t get hurt or feel lost & by God they never get lonely! What a crock that is, if that’s true then they need more help than I ever will.
I do find people pee me off big time when they are all oh it’s only this & never mind as poor so & so that, shut up get a heart & try to see my heart hurts & in this world of social networking & blogging I have every right to voice my feelings which in turn helps me get to grips & also heal where old wounds have opened up! blogging for me is very cathartic, seeing my writen thoughts & feelings helps me to evaluate or re evaluate! Stop trying to drag me down & make me feel like I am worthless or pathetic!!! Oh & the whole I am a nice person thing, well you won’t hear me say that as I have no idea if I am a nice person what I do know is I am a bloody good friend but Nigel says my problem is I expect to be treated the same by those I befriend.
I have also learnt from experience the people who tell you they are nice are not!!!! I have also learnt …….. STOP!!!! Enough moaning lets get on with the blog :D
Actually I love the whole blog thing as I have always tried to keep a diary since I was a young girl, I say that cause I met my first husband when I was 16 so I know I was younger than that! Well the whole getting the diary out at the end of the day & thinking through just never worked for me even when I became a mum.
I had always dreamed of being a mum & I was soooo proud of my children! All my efforts just end up being to do’s pay bills doc appoints etc even my wedding was just a diary full of to do’s!!! So now I have discovered Blogging I have a record of my life & feelings With photos I can share with loved ones, new friends & strangers alike great!!! Have to say though most people in my life have not got to grips with becoming a follower YET!! I am working on it ha ha!
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